3 stupid questions. 3 stupid answers…

1. Do I look fat?

Answer: If you looked fat we wouldn't be dating.

2. Am I hurting your arm? (in reference to when a 110lb girl leans on your arm while sitting on the couch together)

Answer: See answer number 1.

3. How many notches do you have in your bedpost?

Answer: My bedpost has so many notches it looks like it was trapped in a cage with 8 hungry beavers for a month. My bedpost being their only source of food…

No one wants to hear the answer to this question, so why ask? Unless you are in 11th grade and feel the number of sexual partners in the past somehow factors into a decision you have to make in the present.

Girls, if its too few then guys think you are a prude, if its too many then they think you are a whore.

Guys, if its too few then girls think you are inexperienced and will most likely be rubbing her hip bone and saying "did you "go" yet?", if its too many then they think you are a player and are disgusted.

Girls, you are into this guy, he is sweet, funny, charming, good looking, the list goes on and on. You are excited about him and dying to introduce him to your dad so they can go fishing and build decks together. Then, for some ridiculous reason you ask him how many girls he has been with. He says 60, now you think he is disgusting, you would feel dirty letting him touch you although you just finished dry humping him until you have an actual hole in your new Seven jeans…But all that magically went away with one question and answer.

Guys, you think this girl is special, someone different. She has the qualities you have been looking for, she is so sweet and you are dying to introduce her to your mom so they can look at your baby pictures together. Then for some ridiculous reason you ask her how many guys she has been with. She says 40, now you think she has a different set of knee pads for every day of the week, each one dirty from being used in public restrooms. 10 minutes ago you were carving her name in a tree with a knife you made for her by hand, now you wouldn't touch her unless you were wearing one of those suits the government used to retract ET from Elliot's house. (Please tell me yall remember those big hazmat suits they were wearing?)

So why did you ask? why why why...

For some reason we feel it necessary to validate that our new love interest hasn't been promiscuous in their past, even though you two felt it was ok to get it on in the ball cage at the Mcdonald's playground after date number two. How is what you two just did any different than her/him doing that in the past?

Why? Because its not with you, you are no longer special or first. You no longer have a prize nor are you first in line, you are 37th in line.

Asking that question is like eating the best steak of your life, sitting after dinner basking in the feeling of every sense in your body being stimulated and satisfied. The kind of steak that you talk about for years to come, the kind you save your napkin from the restaurant to put in your steak scrapbook. However only to find out after dinner that it fell on the floor in the kitchen before you ate it, of course they washed it off and is completely back to its original state. Now the steak was gross, you will never go back and actually you are now sick to your stomach.

Get over it… or better yet, ignorance is bliss, don't ask…

I will never ask that question, EVER. What matters is how you carry and respect yourself with me, what you did at the Phi Mu frat house in college with 7 guys in clown suits doesn't affect me and you. I have enough confidence in myself and what I have learned about you to not let things in the past get in our way.

Also, as most of you know from reading I refuse to lie to anyone about anything in my life. Its just too much to keep up with and honestly what you see is what you get, if you don't like it then call a cab. However, if I am ever forced to answer this question I will lie like a crackhead, yes the kind with ashy skin and a gas can asking for gas money so they can get back home to their family. I will look you straight in your precious little eyes that I adore so very much and tell a lie worthy of an Oscar. That number is not important and will only make your brain start thinking and wondering things that do not affect me and you at this point and time.

Its kind of like when your 4 year old asks if Santa Clause is real. Telling him/her no would totally ruin Christmas for them when in reality it shouldn't, they still get just as good of gifts. Same concept applies when you ask me the number…

Its for your own good and for the chances of our eternal success together.

Another thing is the keeping up with a number in your secret "things I have done with guys" journal, I know you girls keep them. The fact that you base your decision to sleep with someone on the fact that a number that only exists in your head might go up is pretty close to the most mindless thing I have ever witnessed. So, you let a fictitious number decide whether or not you want to have an intimate experience with someone?

Even better, the girl that says "we can do everything but go all the way, I don't want my number to go up anymore than it is".

So you can blow me wearing a french maid costume for 40 minutes but your number doesn't go up and that activity doesn't affect your existing relationship decisions, but the guy in college that you "went all the way with" for 2 minutes does?


Sounds logical to me. <----- Sarcasm.


Thanks,
Luke